Part III: The Building of REAL Relationships

By David M. Kowalke, Jr. | @hongkongkowalke | TRINICY.org

Photo by Randy Fath

If you haven't  yet, please review Part I HERE and Part II HERE before proceeding to the last article in the series!

part III: the building
of real relationships

WALL #4 CALLED “AGAPÉ”  (RELATIONAL MANDATE)

The noun “Love” has arguably been one of the most popular words in our culture, certainly in pop culture.  As a verb, it is also arguably one of the least practiced virtues of them all. Jesus said that He was giving us a new, great Commandment found in John 13:34-35:

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another,
even [just] as I have loved you, that you love one another.
By this all men will know that you are my disciples,
if you have love for one another.”

The practice of displaying love to one another is all-important. If we say that we are followers of Christ and do not ‘live love’ for one another, the world has the right to judge whether we are His disciples, or not!  Also, in very practical terms, if we say to one another in our personal relationships, “I love you” and do not behave in loving ways, we speak untruthfully. In fact, to the point, at the moment we behave in a way contrary to the mandate to love one another, we do not, in fact, love that person.  The person being treated in an unloving manner has the right to say, “No, you don’t love me” - and they would be right!

While there is no better description of love than the one found in 1 Corinthians 13, (which we will address shortly) I would like to suggest the following definition of love for the purposes of this article:

“Love is wanting God’s best for someone,
expecting nothing in return,
believing it will probably cost me something.”

How does this mandate contribute to the building of real relationships? As C. S. Lewis clearly says in his book, “The Four Loves” (highly recommended), the four words for Love in the Greek are storgé (affection, as some animals display), phileo  (brotherly friendship), eros (erotic passions), and agapé (the love of God).  In this passage it is a form of the word agapé that Christ uses. In order to understand how to love the way we are told to by Jesus, there are a number of things to consider.

First, love is selfless:  “...wanting God’s best for someone...” Many have said that love is not a feeling but an action. Wanting God’s best for someone might not feel like it for the one being loved.  It might feel harsh, heartless, or uncaring. Have you ever heard, “If you love me then you will [fill in the blank]”? Sometimes, God’s love for someone requires them to be confronted with hard truths about themselves.

Take the example of a battered wife, or anyone in an abusive relationship. If anyone finds himself or herself in such a relationship, the first requirement would be for that person to find safety in a swift and appropriate manner. Many find it conflicting to be in this brutal relationship, and yet still love that person. If we are to want God’s best for that abusive person, it might require that person to be subject to severe action. This might seem to them that in being restrained and perhaps prosecuted that they are not being treated lovingly.

Children who don’t understand the words, “This hurts me more than it hurts you” don’t yet understand the burden of loving God’s way.  Love is not without, nor does it contradict, the need for justice. Sometimes loving someone and wanting God’s best for them is to let them go. Sometimes it means to press on and patiently let God make the changes in the lives of those in that relationship.

Second, love is unconditional.  “...expecting nothing in return...” We are to treat others not on the basis of their actions, performance or practices, but on the basis of the way that the Father loves us. Easier said than done! Someone I once worked with told me that they thought their child felt they weren’t loved if they did not perform well in school. I told him that our children ought to understand that, while their actions, performance, and practice might be unacceptable, that they themselves are still loved and accepted because of our life-long relationship.

We are allowed to dislike someone if they are not likeable. We are allowed to not trust someone if they have proven themselves untrustworthy. Those things are earned. However, we are commanded to love that person unconditionally.  Liking someone and trusting them is based on performance. Love is based on: “wanting God’s best for someone, expecting nothing in return, believing it will probably cost me something.” As I have said to many a student, “You don’t have to like me, but you have to love me!”
  
Third, love is sacrificial.  “...believing it will probably cost me something.” God the Father loved the world so much that He gave His Son (John 3:16). The greatest expression of love a person can show is when they lay down their life for another. A living sacrifice is when someone suffers for doing the right thing for another.  

How can we be a living sacrifice, and so love others God’s way? We could do the right thing, even when we don’t feel like it. We could let a loved one go when the relationship is wrong, and to continue would be selfish, or when the relationship is destructive, and to continue would be sinful. We could fulfill our commitment to hold on to a relationship, when to let go would break our vow and our covenant of love. We could do the right thing toward another, even if we will be misunderstood.  We could speak, when to keep silent would be wrong. We could keep silent, when to speak would be wrong. Treating others the way we ought to is not legalism, nor hypocrisy. It is obedience. To the husband who says about his wife, “I don’t love her anymore” I would say, and have said, “I understand. Then, love her!”  

Or, we could do the truly radical and real thing...no matter what,
just to please the One who loves us...no matter what!

THE ROOF CALLED “BLESSING”  (RELATIONAL SUCCESS)

If a truly real relationship is to be built, then it will have the foundation that is Jesus Christ, the four walls of Forgiveness, Grace & Truth, and Priorities and Love, and topped (literally) by the roof of rich Blessing, crowning the structure, whose ultimate designer and builder is God.  We are Living Stones, fitted together in relationship with Christ, bound together with the mortar of the Spirit, and standing for the glory of the Father!

"Coming to Him as to a living stone, rejected indeed by men,
but chosen by God and precious, you also, as living stones,
are being built up a spiritual house, a holy priesthood,
to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. 
Therefore it is also contained in the Scripture, “Behold,
I lay in Zion a chief cornerstone, elect, precious, and he
who believes on Him will by no means be put to shame.”
Therefore, to you who believe, He is precious; but to those who
are disobedient, “The stone which the builders rejected Has
become the chief cornerstone,” and “A stone of stumbling
and a rock of offense.” They stumble, being disobedient to the word,
to which they also were appointed. But you are a chosen generation,
a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people,
that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you
out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not
people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy
but now have obtained mercy."
- 1 Peter 2:4-10

CONCLUSION

I will conclude with the sweet words from this song from the musical “Fiddler on the Roof” (which I highly recommend you watch on the internet).  Wondering if his wife Golde loves him after many years of marriage, Tevye persists in asking if she really loves him. After shrugging off how uncomfortable the question makes her feel, she recounts all that she does in their life together. After repeating the question several times, he understands.  He understands that their relationship of love is not based on what they say, but how they live together in a very real relationship.  However, they both acknowledge that, after their gladness in realizing that they do love each other, “After twenty-five years, it’s nice to know.” 

DO YOU LOVE ME?

Tevye: Do you love me?
Golde: Do I what?
Tevye: Do you love me?
Golde: Do I love you?
With our daughters getting married and this trouble in the town,
You're upset. You want out. Go inside. Go lie down.
Maybe it's indigestion.
Tevye: Golde, I'm asking you a question. Do you love me?
Golde: You're a fool!
Tevye: I know. But do you love me?
Golde: Do I love you?
For twenty-five years, I've washed your clothes,
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house,
Given you children, milked the cow.
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?
Tevye: The first time I met you was on our wedding day. I was scared.
Golde: I was shy.
Tevye: I was nervous.
Golde: So was I.
Tevye: But my father and my mother said we'd learn to love each other.
So, now I'm asking, Golde...
Tevye: Do you love me?
Golde: I'm your wife!
Tevye: I know. But do you love me?
Golde: Do I love him?
For twenty-five years, I've lived with him,
Fought with him, starved with him.
For twenty-five years, my bed is his.
If that's not love, what is?
Tevye: Then you love me?
Golde: I suppose I do.
Tevye: And I suppose I love you, too.
Together: It doesn't change a thing, but even so,
After twenty-five years, it's nice to know!

 Source: Do You Love Me? by Berry Gordy Jr.

This three-part article is dedicated to my wife Cindy, who has persisted with me for 43 years. Her strength, patience and example of love has been to me my courage, my hope and my vision of Jesus in this life.  Thank you. I love you.